we carry on as if our time is through, you carry on as if i don't love you

"i thought i understood it, that i could grasp it, but i didn't, not really. only the smudginess of it; the pink-slippered, all-contained, semi-precious eagerness of it. i didn't realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. because it's the halves that halve you in half. i didn't know, don't know, about the in between bits; the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me." 

-anna "Like Crazy"

isolation

in a rush everything changes, crashes
there are brokens all over the floor

just because we knew each other
does not mean we cannot forget
and just because we loved each other
does not mean we cannot forget

the mind is a funny thing
the way it lets go, without asking
casts aside feelings we felt and lovers we loved

the mind is a funny thing

no one ever asked me if i wanted to be in love
no one ever asked me if i didn't

isolation

our hearts are always alone
even when in love and lust and adoration...
even

there is nothing that can take your heart
and put it next to mine
the way you can take your hand
and entwine it in mine
the way you take your body
and entangle it in mine

there is nothing
there is no one

alone

I am seated on a navy blue chair, attached to a line of identical chairs, at an empty gate, regretting every piece of clothing I chose not to bring with me to Colorado. "Why leave anything behind?" one might ask me... well you could say I have a fear of flying, which becomes a fear of airports in general, which then manifests itself as a fear of everything one must do once they are dropped at the terminal. So, due to my "irrationalities" as some calls them, I cannot and will not check any bags.. which lead to me being forced to fit everything in a carry on bag (on a side note, I really should compose a letter to the Head Dean President Managerial Mistress of all Airport Nonsense about tripling the allowed size of carry-on luggage). Did I really need my vintage sequin dress? Should I have exchanged on of m Free People Sweaters for my teal 'we the free' maxi dress? Who knows... but after security - boots off, laptop out of bag, liquids out of purse, aztec full length coat off, everything into bins, suitcase on conveyer belt, everything through x-ray, walk through security, everything off conveyer belt, shoes on, jacket on, everything back in purse - find signs, "Shoe shine for the lady?".. no thank you, I finally find myself alone at United Gate C21, alone, wondering if I should have made some space in my suitcase for my floral wedges or another top... the life of a forever fashionista. 

my heart is full, exploding. eyes gently lower lids, but remain aware. sleepless nights. filled not with that of my struggles. my heart is full. possibilities.

how do i tie it down? it cannot be grounded

my heart is full. confusion. something not felt, cobwebs stirred. do i remember how to be?
my heart is full. does this stop the cracking
the decay
the mold
the repairs from knocking ceaselessly upon the door

does it end, can it?

my heart is full. but what does that all really mean. does it change anything?
us
the love
anything?

my heart is full...

so what

They haven't spoken about it, they haven't said what will we do when we leave here, do you want to come with me, let's work something out, and she knows that this means they will quickly and easily drift apart, into other people's lives, into other people's arms in rooms like this. She is surprised that this doesn't make her feel sad. She listens to music, she looks around at things people dropped when they fell asleep or went out of the room, she kisses the boy's arm again and she feels only a kind of sweet nostalgia. She wonders if you can feel nostalgic for something before it's in the past, she wonders if perhaps her vocabulary is too small or if her chemical intake has corroded it and the music goes doowah doowah doowah.
                              ~If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things